Your dad touched me again.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
