She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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