Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
