I should be sponsored by Trojan
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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