btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
