You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
