True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
