she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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