that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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