I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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