eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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