ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
