i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
