it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
