I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
