I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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