we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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