My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
