Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
