Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
