remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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