Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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