i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
