Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
