I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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