Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
