My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
