I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
