i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
