my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
