Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's blow job season.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
