my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize