If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
