By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
