Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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