my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
