There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
