I want to have your abortion
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
