you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
