I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
