Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
