Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
