I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
