I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
we're chasing vodka with high fives
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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