someone owes me an orgasm
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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