two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
