Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Randomize
