Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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