I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
