Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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