Sponge bath it is.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
