That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
