I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
