theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Two words: nipple clamps
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